One of Sam’s favorites…

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24. What Witness We Bear to What We Believe!

Gig Harbor

Sam Houston Brown, my wife’s grandpa, and I met only once. It was at his supernaturally beautiful little house on the water at Gig Harbor. The family was gathered around a lovely brunch spread at the table and he was mostly quiet but smiled (my wife’s smile!) when I shook his hand. He didn’t break out his harmonica or his tuba or offer everyone “nips” from a bottle as he was often said to do. But he seemed happy and peaceful that morning as the silver peaks of Mount Rainier shone across the waters. I’m sad that I never got the chance to meet Nathalie, Sam’s wife of 64 years.

The church wasn’t large enough to hold all the mourners when he died. It was there, at his funeral, that I met most of the Brown clan. I saw Sam’s life rippling outward in strange and spectacular ways through that multitude. One of my wife’s cousins stood up and said that Sam was still with them, illuminated in the faces of all those who had loved him. It was a strange, sad and beautiful way to get to know Sam and the whole family, including six children, 15 grandchildren and two great-grandchildren.

When Sam passed, they found him at his desk. He had been in the midst of writing his holiday epiphany letter, as was his tradition. His last words are so astonishing and so fitting that they make me want to cry. Here’s the entirety of Sam Brown’s last epiphany letter…

January 19, 2009

How say ye? Is the e-mail allowed to replace the handwritten Christmas card nowadays because of its ease and spread? Or is it too impersonal and limited, seeing as you lose the little extra comments to the recipients that show you really care about them? Also, what about folks who don’t have computers anyway? Thus this Epiphany letter is in the old pattern, but maybe for the last time.

So greetings to you all, fellow voyagers in 2009. It is so good to hear from you as you live this chapter in the book of your life. What variety we encounter! What courage we show! What witness we bear to what we believe!

I have started to move out of our beloved old house in Lakewood in favor of a retirement community apartment in the north of town.

The old dog is trying new tricks…

Grandpa Sam Brown

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24. Shelagh

Generally, obituaries are paltry little scraps of letters which reduce a human life to a few sentences, a few dates, and a picture if you’re lucky. Here’s what mine would say if I died today. 

Nathan Merrill Langston, 31, passed late Sunday due to complications with a burrito. Langston, a resident of New York City and Portland, Oregon, enjoyed writing poetry and playing violin. He is survived by his wife, Ingrid, his mother and father, Nancy and Steve Langston, and his sister, Emily Gaddam. A memorial service is planned for Thursday at First Baptist Church, Beaverton, Oregon. 

And that’s that! All of my hopes, fears, triumphs, laughter, tears, songs, memories, years, friends, family, trips, work, clothes, meals, seasons, kisses… all of it reduced to four sentences in the obituary section of a local paper that very few people actually read. At least a tombstone has shape and weight and stays around for a few years. Jackie Gleason’s epitaph reads “Away We Go!” F. Scott Fitzgerald’s tombstone reads “So we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.” When George Burns died, he was laid to rest next to his beloved wife Gracie, and his tombstone read “Together again!” Mel Blanc, who did most of the Looney Tunes cartoons for Warner Bros., has an epitaph that reads, “That’s All Folks!” For the most part, tombstones rule compared to dumb old obituaries. Compared to epitaphs, obituaries, which I’m sure to write about again, are such feeble heralds for the lives that have been lived. 

So I thought, let’s go find the most awesome obituaries ever! I thought, “John F. Kennedy!” I thought, “Martin Luther King, Jr.!” I thought, “Bob Dylan!” and then remembered he’s not dead yet. I thought, “Ghandi!” “Churchill!” I thought, “Patton, Plath, Einstein, Lincoln, Stein, Whitman, Roosevelt!” I thought, “Neil Gosh Darn Armstrong!” But what I found was so much more profound. 

A beautiful, open-hearted journalist for the Toronto Star by the name of Catherine Porter, noticed a small obituary for an oridinary person named Shelagh Gordon in the paper. It was the 19th of 56 obituaries in the Star on that day alone. Like most obituaries, it was a little one for an regular life that had come to an end. But Catherine thought, ‘Let’s find out how extraordinary a regular life was,” and somewhat randomly selected Shelagh as her subject. The Toronto Star, god-bless that paper forever, sent 20 (as in TWENTY) journalists to investigate every aspect of her small, regular, “un-extrordinary” life, and what they found has been obliterating me with tears for the last hour! 

Ms. Porter, like one of my heroes, Joseph Mitchell, shows that good journalism can be every bit as poignant and supernatural as the very best literature. For one, there is her very tender, 4000 word obituary for Shelagh. Then there’s video footage of her loved ones giving tribute to her “unimportant” and spectacularly meaningful life which simply tears the heart asunder. Then, the staff at the Star took a picture of all of the people at Shelagh’s memorial service. You can click on any face in the audience and you are gifted with an interview about how she touched their life. The chills simply do not stop, especially because this is how the lives of all us non-celebrity people will actually be remembered. 

We may only get four sentences in the local paper, but vast libraries of emotion and memory will ripple out through all who have known us. Our epitaphs will be written in the hearts of thousands of living souls!


Shelagh was here. [click title for video and gallery]

There’s no reason why you would know Shelagh. That’s why we went to her funeral.

by Catherine Porter 

I met Shelagh Gordon at her funeral.

She was soap-and-water beautiful, vital, unassuming and funny without trying to be. I could feel her spirit tripping over a purse in the funeral hall and then laughing from the floor.

She was both alone and crowded by love. In another era, she’d have been considered a spinster — no husband, no kids. But her home teemed with dogs, sisters, nieces, nephews and her “life partner” —a gay man — who would pass summer nights reading books in bed beside her wearing matching reading glasses.

Her relationships were as rich as the chocolate pudding pies she’d whip together.

She raced through ravines, airports and wine glasses (breaking them, that is). She dashed off dozens of text messages and emails and Facebook postings a day, usually mistyping words in her rush to connect.

Then, every afternoon, she’d soak for an hour in the bath while eating cut-up oranges and carrots and flipping the damp pages of a novel.

She called herself a “freak,” at first self-consciously and, later, proudly.

But my sharpest impression of Shelagh that day, as mourners in black pressed around me, was of her breathtaking kindness. Shelagh was freshly-in-love thoughtful.

If she noticed your boots had holes, she’d press her new ones into your arms. When you casually admired her coffeemaker, you’d wake up to one of your own. A bag of chocolates hanging from your doorknob would greet you each Valentine’s Day, along with some clippings from the newspaper she thought you’d find interesting.

Shelagh made people around her feel not just loved but coveted. That was the golden thread that stitched together the ordinary seams of her life.

Sitting in the fourth row at her funeral, I could see myself in Shelagh. She lived a small life, as do most of us, untouched by war, disease, poverty. Her struggles were intimate. But the world she carefully assembled was rich and meaningful in ways she never grasped.

As her family and friends spoke of her, my thoughts kept pulling to my own life. Do I love as deeply as Shelagh? Do I exult in the small pleasures of life the way she did? How do I want to be remembered?

Funerals are as much collective meditations as tearful goodbyes to one person. We use the departed life as a lens to assess our own. In that way, Shelagh Gordon is the perfect choice of an allegedly ordinary local woman whose life was actually huge in scope and as worthy of scrutiny as any big-life celebrity. She is you. She is us.

It is odd to meet someone four days too late.

Shelagh’s obituary ran on Feb. 14, 2012 — Valentine’s Day. It was the 19th of 56 in the Star that day, buried in three pages of surviving relatives, cancer diagnoses, funeral logistics. Lloyd David Smith’s family requested “in lieu of flowers, please perform an act of kindness in Lloyd’s memory.” George Everest Munro, a World War II veteran who died at 88, adhered to the Roald Dahl motto, “a little nonsense now and then is cherished by the wisest of men.” Ronald Schewata lived 26 years without ever speaking a single word, “but did he ever know how to love.” These men’s lives held precious lessons.

But 55-year-old Shelagh’s death notice stopped me. “Our world is a smaller place today without our Shelagh,” it began. “Our rock, our good deed doer, our tradition keeper, our moral compass.” It stated she was the “loving aunt and mother” to a list of names, without differentiating among them. And it mentioned she was a “special friend” to two people — one a man, the other a woman. The secrets tucked here were intriguing. I called Shelagh’s sister Heather Cullimore with a request. Would she let the Star come to her funeral and ask the people gathered there about her life?

If every life is a jigsaw puzzle of memories, relationships, achievements and tragedies, could we put together the disparate pieces after that person was gone?

Cullimore agreed instantly. “Boy, did you pick the right person,” she said of her younger sister. Shelagh, it turns out, was an avid Star reader, diligently poring over — and clipping — articles in every section daily before dashing through the crossword. Newspapers ran in her blood: her great-great grandfather, Joseph T. Clark, was editor-in-chief at the Star. Shelagh also loved the spotlight. The night before her death, a CP24 crew interviewed her briefly on the street about the Everywoman reaction to Whitney Houston’s death, which thrilled her. She was texting friends about it just before she died.

“Shelagh would have thought this was stupid perfect,” Cullimore said of the Star’s proposal.

So I arrived at the Mount Pleasant Cemetery visitation centre four days after Shelagh collapsed on her bed from a sudden brain aneurysm — while getting changed for an appointment to choose flowers for the wedding of her niece Jessica. A team of Star reporters placed letters on all 186 chairs of the lofty sanctuary, explaining our intention to paint one life fully, using the brushstrokes of the people who knew her. We asked for names and telephone numbers, and over the next two weeks, 14 reporters interviewed more than 130 of the 240 people who spilled out of the room. We set up a video camera in a quiet spot and taped 10 volunteers talking about Shelagh’s life and their reflections during her funeral.

Shelagh was born on Jan. 14, 1957, the second of four daughters of Susan and David Gordon, possibly the hippest couple in Lawrence Park. He sold industrial real estate, she was a Marcia Brady look-alike — blond bangs, iceberg-blue eyes, olive-green Cutlass convertible. Their rambling red brick home was the neighbourhood social hive where Neil Diamond records played, strays were welcomed, and parties were packed and frequent.

When Shelagh was eight years old, her aunt — a bellower by her mother’s description — discovered she was “deaf as a post” in her left ear. Somehow, amid all the noise and houseguests, no one had picked up on it till then. But it explained why Shelagh was doing so badly in school. She couldn’t hear her teacher, who regularly humiliated her for being “deliberately obtuse” and sent her scurrying to the washroom, where she’d sob in a stall.

Doctors diagnosed her with complete nerve damage in her left ear. No hearing aid would correct it. Later in life, she’d use this to her advantage — plugging her good ear from her perch on the couch, to quietly finish a chapter of her book before joining the party. But as a kid, she hated it. She felt like a freak, her mother says.

If not an explanation, then Shelagh’s deafness is a symbol of her awkward childhood aloofness. She didn’t quite fit into the family’s bubbly, outgoing lifestyle. You can detect it in the black-and-white photos from back then — her three sisters all smiling widely with their mouths and eyes, while Shelagh holds something back.

She wasn’t musical or athletic. In fact, she was notably uncoordinated.

She was drawn to animals. When Shelagh was around 16, she came home with a golden retriever she’d quietly bought with her saved-up allowance. On weekends, she volunteered at a big-cat sanctuary in Leaside, cleaning out the cages and playing with the baby lions.

She wasn’t popular like her sisters. She made a few select friends who remained close for the rest of her life.

She managed one year of studying English literature at York University before dropping out to work in a restaurant. Then she landed a job as a wine and spirits rep, which sent her off to vineyards in New Zealand, France, Chile. . . By the time the company changed owners and let her go, Shelagh could discern the grape variety, region and year of harvest of a wine by taste. Her nephew Matt’s job at the Gordon Christmas parties was to present her the bottles guests had brought for grading. The plonk went out for drinking, the good stuff was stashed in a cupboard.

When Shelagh’s eldest sister, Heather, gave birth to Jessica, the first of her four children, Shelagh restarted her life as an aunt. Not a regular, see-you-at-Christmas and Thanksgiving aunt. Rather a come-to-my-house-in-your-pyjamas-on-Saturday-morning-and-drink-fireman’s-tea-with-me aunt. (Fireman’s tea translated to much milk, little caffeine.)

She moved into an apartment down the street and left her front door ajar so her nieces and nephews could walk in whenever. She bathed them and read them bedtime stories and rushed over at 7 a.m. to French-braid their hair before school. Every horse show, gymnastics meet, dance recital, rugby game, she was there. She organized their annual Easter egg-dyeing and gingerbread-decorating parties. She baked money cakes for their birthdays. When they got older, they moved in with her.

They all call her a second mother and best friend. Her sisters call her their epoxy. She glued together the gaps in their lives — arriving in the middle of the night when one kid needed to go to the hospital, picking their kids up from school in emergencies, hauling out their garbage when they’d forgotten to. She’d call from the grocery store to announce chicken was on sale and what else did they need?

One story: last spring, Jessica got engaged. Shelagh became her one-person wedding support system — scouring vintage and second-hand stores for items and driving Jessica to Woodbridge bridal gown stores. When Jessica discovered the candle holders she wanted at an Indigo store, Shelagh quietly crisscrossed the city to five different outlets until she found 75 — one for every table. The wedding was three weeks after Shelagh’s death. For her vow, Jessica declared: “In honour of Shelagh, I promise to love you fiercely.”

Shelagh had found her calling — loving people fiercely and with abandon.

Not just family, but friends she met at the dog park, at work, on the street or through her family. The three most uttered sentiments to describe her at her funeral were generous, open-hearted and loyal. A former neighbour remembered how Shelagh, after hearing her admiration for Heather’s patio umbrella, dropped one off on her front porch. An old dog-walking friend recalled a dog walkers’ party in the park that Shelagh organized one cold night, lugging bottles of wine and beer with her to pass around. When Tyrone Cromwell was going through a dark time, Shelagh peppered him with invitations to chicken soup in her apartment and big family dinners. What’s telling is that Cromwell is a friend of Caitlin Cullimore, Shelagh’s niece, and 27 years her junior.

It’s hard not to feel inadequate listening to these stories. Surely, Shelagh was compensating for some deep feeling of inadequacy. No one is naturally this loving to so many people, right? Or perhaps, Shelagh’s life demonstrates that most of us set the love bar too low.

Heather believes Shelagh’s full transformation into the family’s soul was cemented by the death of their father 21 years ago. Trim, fit, full of life, he was midway through a doubles tennis game, casually walking with his partner from one end of the court to the other, when he dropped dead from a heart attack.

The tragedy drew the family closer. Shelagh, above all, learned then to treasure relationships.

One more story: that very winter, the Gordon women decided to head south for a week of bonding. The trip became an annual tradition.

Two or three years later, four of them were squeezed into a single room with a glorious view of the Antigua beach. Sitting out on the balcony after arriving, Shelagh’s youngest sister Susie announced they’d found paradise, save one small oversight. If only they could sip their morning tea out there, instead of trooping down to the restaurant.

The next morning, sure as the sunrise, Shelagh woke her with a fireman’s brew.

In recent years, she’d taken to packing her own tea supplies. The electric kettle and tea mug occupied a healthy portion of her suitcase.

A few years ago, Shelagh was getting her photo retaken for her work pass.

She was wearing those loose linen pants she always wore — the kind with the elastic waistband. The photographer got her to stand up against a wall and somehow, a nail snagged and broke the elastic. In the middle of the shoot, her pants dropped to her knees.

“She was crying, she was laughing so hard,” recalls workmate Wendy Campbell. “We had to retake that photo 12 times.”

This is my favourite thing about Shelagh. She wasn’t blandly nice. Her warmth came with salt.

She fell into hot tubs and accidently drank from paint cans. She spilled wine liberally, then whipped off her stained shirt for cleaning in the middle of a party.

The woods around her sister Cynthia’s cottage are decorated by Frisbees that Shelagh flung off-course.

That klutziness became her trademark.

Her family calls it “pulling a Shelagh.” They’d know she’d arrived at the party when they heard the sound of something breaking. Ellen Kaju — one of the two “special friends” mentioned in the obituary — brought a set of plastic wine glasses just for Shelagh, who’d been her best friend since Grade 9.

It was as if Shelagh’s body was in constant excitement, overheating. She was an enraptured chef, her kitchen floor sprayed with bits of onion and potato and sudsy water. She was a chronic interrupter, bouncing in her seat to add her bubbling thoughts or stories. (Her family recently instigated a new rule: if Shelagh wanted to speak, she had to raise her hand like a student in class.) At her weekly work meetings, “she was the meeting,” says Campbell. “She would not stop talking. This past year, she started to zip her lip with her finger in the meeting to let everyone else talk. That was Shelagh — talking up a storm.”

She didn’t walk, she charged. She didn’t wash glasses, she cycloned through them. In the summers at one of her sisters’ cottages, she didn’t swim once a day, she went 17 times.

The only time Shelagh was calm and graceful was when she was asleep — which she often was in the middle of a family game of charades or a movie. She’d wake up to give an answer, then fall back to sleep, her full glass of wine in hand, balanced perfectly.

Shelagh was a character — something we all secretly strive to be. She was different. She wasn’t perfect.

Funerals can often feel like camp singalongs — all glow, no shadows. The nice things are all said out loud, the rest brims in people’s bowed heads.

What were Shelagh’s human failings? What advice, had she had the chance, might she have doled out from her deathbed?

I walked through her home looking for signs. I wanted to meet Shelagh quietly, on my own.

Three years ago, Shelagh bought a duplex with her sister Heather five blocks from their childhood home. Shelagh lived in a two-bedroom apartment on the top floor. Cullimore and her husband Jay lived downstairs, often with one of their four children.

Shelagh no longer had to leave her door open; her family just walked upstairs.

Stepping inside, I was surprised to see a dangling crystal chandelier above an antique wood piano-turned-dining room table. I had assumed Shelagh’s klutziness would translate to a sloppy home. I was wrong.

Her living room was lush and creamy, her kitchen warm with wood floors, and treasures were scattered everywhere — a wooden birdhouse and rusted bell in her kitchen, two heart-shaped stones on the radiator by her bath, an angel-shaped knob above her mirror. Wedged into one corner of her bathroom, where the wainscoting of two walls meets, I found a small white stone with the word “strength” on it.

They seemed like totems, reminding Shelagh to not save life for the weekends, but delight in it here and now.

Two wishbones sat on her kitchen sill, and I found a bunch of laminated four leaf clovers in a pile on her desk. Shelagh believed in luck. She bought a lottery ticket every week without fail. What was she hoping for?

Her closets were disasters — hats, scarves, a scuffed-up pair of Blundstones and old silk kimonos all thrown together. Shelagh didn’t spend much time on how she looked, I could see. There wasn’t a tube of mascara or cover-up in sight. Her favourite shoes, her sisters told me, were a hideous pair of black Crocs.

While the front three rooms were warm and beautiful — perfect for entertaining — the back two rooms felt different. Shelagh’s bedroom is a museum piece from the 1940s — old wooden furniture dotted with antique photos, a “Home Sweet Home” needlepoint above her high metal bed, green hospital-like curtains.

Who could love in a room like this?

Her study next door felt like a university dorm room— cold white walls, ugly stained carpet, a black computer chair ripped in the seat. The temperature was five degrees colder than the rest of the place.

This is Shelagh’s office. Clearly she didn’t love her job.

After she lost her position selling wine, Shelagh went to work at the same place her sister Heather did, Trader Media Corp., selling ads in the Resale Home & Condo Guide to real estate agents. Colleagues say she was a natural salesperson, building friendships with clients. And she enjoyed the freedom of working from home with her front door open and her dog by her feet. But over the past few years, the job had lost its lustre.

A company takeover resulted in mass firings — former colleagues called it a “bloodbath” — continual territory changes and increased pressure to bump up sales, particularly online. A corporate culture replaced the casual, family-like ambience. Suddenly, Shelagh was the oldest sales agent by more than a decade, and the only one who didn’t arrive to client meetings in a suit.

Two years ago, she started taking “happy pills” — antidepressants and anti-anxiety medication. Last summer, she took a three-month stress leave from her job.

It couldn’t have been easy being the one unmarried Gordon sister. Two of her sisters stayed at home; their husbands’ jobs were lucrative. All three owned cottages. Shelagh, meanwhile, struggled with bills and her mortgage.

Standing in her cold study, I could hear Shelagh thinking in panic: “Who is going to hire a 55-year-old woman?” And: “What happened to my rich husband?”

Why didn’t Shelagh, who loved so much, ever get married? She had the chance. Three chances, in fact. Shelagh ended all three of her great love affairs. In one case, she had moved all her furniture into her boyfriend’s house before abruptly leaving him. Later, she explained it was because he hadn’t wanted children, but to her friends and family, that seems a hollow excuse.

Why did the ultimate lover hide from making the ultimate commitment?

Her mother thinks “part of her was closed.” Her oldest friend, Ellen Kaju, puts it down to bad luck — Mr. Right never arrived. Her sister Heather says it was one of Shelagh’s enigmas — “I don’t think she understood that either.” Andy Schulz, the gay costume designer Shelagh called her soulmate, thinks Shelagh was just born different. She knew her path was neither straight nor narrow.

The story of Shelagh and Schulz is a beautiful one. They met 19 years ago in a park, walking their puppies. Within a week, Shelagh hit him in the head with a stick she’d impossibly thrown from in front of him. They became, in the words of Anne Shirley, bosom friends. They vacationed together, dined together, called and text-messaged daily, hosted one another’s birthday parties. They crawled into bed together with their dogs and read books. Their families came to see them as a unit — a married couple without the sex, although Schulz says their relationship was more special than marriage.

They planned to retire together.

“This is such a shock and a tragedy,” he said during her funeral. “I don’t know how anybody or anything is going to fill this void that I have.”

Thinking of Shelagh’s life, a line from an Adrienne Rich poem comes to mind: “These are the materials.”

Whether she worked with what she’d been given or sought out alternative fabrics, the quilt of love Shelagh stitched was luminescent.

The night before she died, Shelagh organized her family to go to Emma McCormick’s photography exhibit and fundraiser, called Hearts and Arts. McCormick is dating Shelagh’s nephew Evan Cullimore.

Typically, Shelagh had emailed and texted and phoned every family member, cajoling most to come out and sharing plans for dinner before.

The family — 11 of them — squeezed into a corner booth at Fran’s, a downtown diner a block from the fundraiser. Shelagh sat in the middle, loudly ordering cheap glasses of wine, sweet potato fries, onion rings (her favourite), fish and chips, and of course, a “healthy” Caesar salad to compensate for the grease. They all shared.

The next morning, Shelagh woke up early as usual to walk her Polish lowland sheepdog, Jerzy. She read the Star, section by section, charged through the crossword, checked in with Heather downstairs and with Schulz, who had missed the fundraiser for a work function and was feeling hungover. She texted some friends about the CP24 interview she’d done on the street the night before.

Jessica was meeting with her florist — an old family friend — to go over the wedding flowers, and Shelagh’s presence was demanded. Some time between noon and 12:30, Shelagh was in her bedroom, getting ready to go, when a rush of blood flooded her brainstem.

At 12:39, Heather was outside their shared house waiting for her. “Where are you?” she typed in a text message. They had planned to leave at 12:40 and Shelagh was normally early.

She found her sister upstairs on her bed. Her face had already turned blue.

Shelagh’s family and friends gathered at Sunnybrook Hospital, where doctors worked to revive her

Her diagnosis changed from a heart attack to aneurysm. Her mother, Sue, alerted staff that Shelagh had wanted to donate her organs. The critical-care nurse with the Trillium Gift of Life Network commented that most of the Gordon clan gathered in the waiting room had red hearts drawn on their hands. Had they drawn them as a tribute to Shelagh?

“No,” Sue told him. “She has one too.”

The hearts were from McCormick’s fundraiser — a sign for the people at the door that they’d each paid the cover.

But in reflection, the hearts seemed like another one of Shelagh’s scattered totems, to remind them all of her love and life’s joys.

Each plan to get it tattooed on their body in her memory.

Four weeks since her death, Shelagh’s friends and family are still gasping at the hole she’s left in their lives. She was such a constant, they didn’t understand the breadth of her caretaking until it disappeared. Each has made small promises for change — to treasure this moment, to be more open, to love more fully.

Shelagh’s niece Caitlin has moved into her house, wrapping herself in her aunt’s molecules and memories. In a speech at her sister Jessica’s wedding three weeks after Shelagh’s death, she promised “to be your Shelagh.”

I’m mourning Shelagh too. She’s consumed me since her death — her quirks, her kindness, her mysteries. I have never met anyone as abundantly generous as Shelagh. I aspire be like that.

Wandering around her house one recent afternoon, I fished one of her mud-caked Blundstones from the closet and slipped it on, wondering “What is a life worth?”

In the past, I have often answered this question with achievements — campaigns, masterpieces, spiritual or literal changes to humankind and the world. The measure, I’ve thought, is Sophie Scholl or Charles Darwin or Nelson Mandela.

Shelagh’s life offers another lens. She didn’t change the world forcibly, but she changed many people in it. She lightened them. She inspired them, though she likely didn’t realize it. She touched them in simple ways most of us don’t because we are too caught-up and lazy.

Her life reveals that it doesn’t take much to make a difference every day — just deep, full love —and that can be sewn with many different kinds of stitches.

Some of Shelagh’s friends feel terrible they didn’t get a chance to say goodbye and tell her how much she meant to them. There is a lesson there.

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The Washington Post (December 10th 1980)

“John loved and prayed for the human race,” Yoko Ono, widow of John Lennon, said yesterday. “Please do the same for him.”

After Lennon was shot in front of the Dakota apartment building in New York on Monday night, news of his death raced around the globe, prompting shock and grief. Lennon’s fans were seen weeping publicly on the sidewalks of New York and at record counters where they lined up to buy his records.

The news set off a national buying spree — Beatles records quickly disappeared from record shops around the United States, and orders for almost 1 million copies of Lennon’s latest album were reportedly received in a single day.

Early yesterday morning, fans were already lining up at Washington
stores. “In three hours we were completly wiped out of Beatles
product. All the Lennon albums were gone in half an hour,” said one
local retailer.

Television networks rushed to provide on-the-spot coverage at the
scene of the death and to produce instant specials on Lennon’s life
and work. Many radio stations began continuous programming of Beatles records, interrupted only for news breaks and phoned-in tributes by fans.

The personal grief was intense at the Dakota, where one tenant,
Leonard Bernstein, was reported “in a state of shock” at the murder of
the man he had hailed as “Saint John” in the introduction to a current
book about the Beatles.

Across town at St. Patrick’s Cathedral, president-elect Ronald Reagan
was stopped en route to an interview with Cardinal Terence Cooke and
asked for his reaction. “Well, what can anyone say?” Reagan said.
”It’s just another evidence of — that we have to stop tragedies of this sort. . . . I think the whole overall thing of violence in our streets is something that has to be dealt with. . . . We have to find an answer.”

In England, the news of Lennon’s death came while most Britons were
asleep, at 4 a.m. Tuesday. As all-night radio programs announced the
shooting, newspaper and wire-service switchboards were flooded with
calls. By 7 a.m. radio stations were playing nonstop Beatles hits in
tribute to Lennon and continued throughout the day, as Lennon’s past
associates reacted with horror to his murder.

Paul McCartney, looking white and drawn yesterday morning, told
reporters outside his Sussex farmhouse: “I can’t take it at the moment. John was a great guy. He is going to be missed by the whole world. . . ” The musician and his wife, Linda, then drove away, but later in the day, McCartney told reporters at his studio, “I won’t be going to the funeral. I’ll be paying my respects privately. I want
everyone to rally around Yoko.”

There had been some animosity between Lennon and McCartney, dating from the time that the group split up. But an aide to McCartney said yesterday, “The rift between them happened years ago. They respectedone another’s work. They went through an awful lot together.” He added that they had met “socially” and communicated by phone in the last year and “they were great friends.”

Ringo Starr broke off a vacation to fly to the United States immediately, and George Harrison reportedly canceled a recording session. Neither could be reached for comment, but an aide to Harrison said that “George is very, very upset. He hasn’t spoken to Paul, Ringo or Yoko. He hasn’t yet made a decision about going over to the States.
He’s just stunned.

Lennon’s former wife, Cynthia, now remarried in England as Mrs.
Cynthia Twist, also reacted with shock yesterday, calling Lennon’s
death “tragic.” She said that she had been in London with Ringo
Starr’s ex-wife, Maureen, when Ringo phoned with the news early
Tuesday morning. The two women then drove to the Twist home in Wales, where Julian — Cynthia twist’s son by Lennon — is staying. Mrs.
Twist said Lennon spoke to Julian “two or three times a week” and
described them as “very close.”

Around the world in Japan, Lennon’s brother-in-law, Keisuke Ono, said
he was going to America to persuade his sister to return to her native
country, “where she doesn’t have to worry about gunshots anymore.” He described Lennon as “a really good man, a good father, a good husband and a good friend.”

In London, former prime minister Sir Harold Wilson called Lennon’s
death “a great tragedy,” and recalled that he had recommended that the group be awarded decorations as Member of the British Empire in 1965 because of “what they were doing for kids — taking them off the
streets and giving them a new interest in life.”

Musical personalities were quick to respond.

Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones said in Paris that he was “shattered” by the news. “I knew and liked John Lennon for 18 years. But I don’t want to make a casual remark now at such an awful time for his family, millions of fans and friends.”

At a concert in California Monday night, Stevie Wonder dedicated his
encore, “Happy Birthday,” to Lennon. He called the Beatles “one of the
first groups to recognize the value of black roots in music.”

Sid Bernstein, producer of the Beatles’ Shea Stadium Concerts in 1965
and 1966, said: “So brilliant, so gifted, so giving. He was the Bach, the Beethoven, the Rachmainoff of our time.”

Musicologist Nicolas Slonimsky, who included Lennon in his prestigious
”Baker’s Biographical Dictionary of Musicians” along with classical
composers and performers, said the killing was “a dreadful thing” and
saw it as a symptom of how deeply Lennon’s music has “penetrated the subconscious minds” of young people. “Numerous times,” he said, “when I mentioned the name of Lenin, my secretary would spell it ‘Lennon.’ She would just automatically spell it that way, because Lennon is more clearly in the subconscious of young people than Lenin ever was.

“I have read about this killing and watched the news on television,
and I wondered what was in the mind of that man, killing someone whom he so obviously admired. It had a philosophical, almost a religious significance — killing the source of the delight. Rock music has an affinity for violence which perhaps, in some cases, can be satisfied only by murder.”

As word of Lennon’s death reached across the nation, fans turned out
by the thousands to buy his records. Industry sources reported
yesterday that in one day, orders for Lennon’s new “Double Fantasy”
album had reached approximately 1 million copies nationally — tens of
thousands in the Washington area alone. Most stores were caught
shorthanded on both the new album on the Geffen label and Lennon’s
previous material on Capital Records. The new album was just beginning to move onto the charts after its release three weeks ago. Around the country, some stores were reported to be selling the few remaining copies of “Double Fantasy” at far more than the $8.98 list price.

“After the shock Monday night, it dawned on me what was going to
happen,” said a dazed Ron Hughbanks, Washington district branch
manager for Capital/EMI. Local retail outlets started calling in orders at 9 a.m. yesterday.

John Matthews, manager of Record and Tape, Ltd. in Georgetown reported that “people are coming in and buying records quietly, in a state of shock, saying ‘How could such a thing happen,’ ‘I don’t believe it.'” At the 15 Kemp Mill Records outlets in the metropolitan area, people were waiting in line for the stores to open this morning, according to buyer Howard Applebaum: “One woman bought 11 copies.” At the seven Penguin Feather stores in Virginia, many customers were crying as they purchased Lennon’s albums, said buyer Dana Gore.

The same wave swept across every region of the country. When word of Lennon’s death reached the West Coast Monday night, it was after 9
p.m., but shocked and downcast fans started congregating at a number of late-night record stores, buying up copies of “Double Fantasy” and older material both in and outside the Beatles context.

Tom Praitt, night manager of Tower Records in Seattle, said: “I think
a lot of people who maybe heard one song and didn’t think much about
it are buying them two at a time.” The firm’s Los Angeles store was
deluged with callers trying to reserve copies of Lennon’s work, and
most outlets reported that as soon as they sold out of Lennon’s solo
albums, customers were buying old Beatles albums. A salesperson at
Tower in Los Angeles said that “this morning, there were three news
crews from local television stations here. We expect this to be pretty
much like the time after Elvis died.”

Television and radio raced to cover the event. CBS News hurriedly put
together a special report, “John Lennon: The Dream Is Over,” scheduled to air at 11:30 last night. ABC’s “Nightline” planned to combine reports of the murder with analysis of handgun legislation. And NBC planned a half-hour special entitled “John Lennon: A Man and His Music,” to be anchored by Jane Pauley.

Yesterday network camera crews remained stationed outside the Dakota. Television news film included interviews with some of the thousands of mourners who showed up at the building to sing and, in some cases, weep. In New York, WOR-TV devoted more than half of its noontime newscast to the Lennon story.

There was little the networks could show other than scenes of the
crowd and reporters standing in front of the Dakota or in front of the
hospital where Lennon died. Most stations and networks aired brief,
quickly assembled biographies of Lennon that included scenes from
Beatles films and old newsreel footage of the performer.

Radio stations across the country devoted hours and hours of air time
to Lennon. KROQ in Los Angeles went through the night playing Beatles songs, splicing news reports and updates in between numbers.

In Washington yesterday, some stations broke out of their normal
formats to play Beatles tributes: WKYS stopped its dance-music
programming to pay homage to Lennon; and country station WMZQ
solicited comments from stars in the country field about the effect of
the Beatles on the music business in general. Almost every station
played extensive selections of Lennon and Beatle material, with
comments from listeners mixed with network feeds.

WHFS programming director David Einerstein let the listeners call in
their requests on Monday evening and early Tuesday morning, and then returned to normal programming in the afternoon. “You do what you can, but the fact that he died is the most important thing,” Einerstein said. “This was an individual life. Whether the Beatles would have ever gotten together again doesn’t matter.

“I would rather concentrate on this loss of life than hype the Beatles
one more time” he added.

In England, the BBC mounted a special television tribute to Lennon
last night, and broadcast the Beatles’ movie “Help.” The BBC ended its
special tribute with a montage of pictures, the last of which showed
Lennon holding his wife. Over the image ran the lyrics to one of
Lennon’s songs; “You may say I’m a dreamer, but I’m not the only one.
I hope some day you will join us and the world will be as one.”

One TV announcer said, “I have never seen so many people crying since the day John F. Kennedy was killed.”

Perhaps the last journalist to speak to Lennon before his death was
BBC radio deejay Andy Peebles, who recorded a three-hour interview
with Lennon and his wife, Yoko Ono, last Saturday night and then spent the evening with them. Peebles was told of Lennon’s murder as he stepped off a plane from New York yesterday morning and told
reporters: “I am absolutely shattered. The Beatles were more to me
than anything else in the world.”

For most of yesterday morning, Peebles played excerpts from his
interview interspersed with Beatles songs on BBC radio. In the
excerpts, Lennon and his wife wished Britons a “happy Christmas,” and Lennon described their life together, saying: “We are pretty damned steady — we’re in good condition.”

Peebles said that both Lennon and his wife were in high spirits and
looking forward to making more music to follow their recently released
new album. The single from that album, “Starting Over,” is No. 10 this
week on the British charts and recording industry observers predict it
will now go to No. 1.

The mayor of Liverpool, Lennon’s home town, said yesterday that the
city would try to commemorate Lennon, perhaps with a music school for children.

Lennon was raised in that city by his “Aunt Mini” Smith, who cared for
him after the age of 5 when his mother was killed in a car accident.
Speaking from the $250,000 house on the south coast of England –
which Lennon had bought for her — Mrs. Smith said tearfully yesterday
that Lennon had phoned her two days ago to say that he was coming for a visit.

“He was coming over any time now,” said Smith. “He sounded so happy and cheerful, more than for a long time. . . ”

“I never thought there was a future in strumming a guitar,” she said.
”I told him, but he must have been right in the end. He certainly
brought a great deal of happiness to myself and my husband.”

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23. The End is the End



A vast majority of this blog has been devoted to the idea that there is an afterlife, that there is a soul that outlives the corporeal structure in which it is housed. I have written from this perspective because I hope that it is true. Furthermore, I think I actually believe that it is true. Finally, the concept of an afterlife is more beautiful and poetically compelling for me to explore.

But this is only an article of faith. In fact, death belongs to all of us and all of us belong to death. None of us know for sure. After all, that would take all the fun out of it!

There are some of us that believe that nothing comes after death. When you die, you just stop. You stop being you and you stop being anything. You are as much alive as you were before you were born, which is not at all. You’re simple turned off like a switch. You are not.

This perspective is held by some very good and honest and intelligent folk. Many of these people are generous of spirit and have splendid senses of humor and are a treasure to those they have known. They are not Nihilists, they don’t believe in nothing. They just happen to think that when you smash a stereo on the sidewalk, it stops being a stereo. All of its parts are there but it doesn’t work anymore. It’s not that strange to believe that no more music will come from a smashed stereo.



This perspective is not insane. It is also not without its merits. If you think that death is the end and there is nothing after, it heightens the drama and appreciation for this moment of existence. When someone is killed, it isn’t a muted half-tragedy, it isn’t a pseudo-loss… it is a total and irreversible and unanswerable loss. It is a deep loss! So laugh for real! Weep! For tomorrow you will have nothing. Tomorrow you will be nothing.

[Funny note: I write this with a Scooby-Doo Band-Aid on my thumb!]

As humans, we hope that some ethereal aspect of ourselves will live forever. Our instinct to survive is so biased toward this perspective. We are so biased toward surviving that we want to believe that we will survive our deaths! But just because we want to believe a thing doesn’t make it true.


And so it has been, with an equal sense of curiosity and horror and humor, that I have been taking a class at Yale. No, not a real class but close enough. They put their “open” lectures online! You can get a Yale education without paying $65,000 a year! You won’t get a degree, of course, or even a job of any sort, but, like me, you can enjoy “The Philosophy of Death!

The dude who… oh, sorry… the Professor who teaches this course seems like a fine fellow to have a beer with. Oh sorry… with whom to have a beer. He sits cross-legged in his Chuck Martins on his desk and slowly dismantles your concept of an afterlife. It’s amazing! If you believe in a soul and a life after death, that your personhood continues on for enternity, just consider this course as though you’re playing a chess game against the computer on the hardest setting. Theoretically, someone could beat the chess program at the hardest setting but, alas, that person is probably not you.

If you believe in an afterlife, don’t despair about the fact that your logic is about to get straight up worked! Instead, let it force you to deeply consider why you believe what you believe. And then, laugh about it, go out dancing, and remind yourself that nobody, and I mean NOBODY, can prove what happens one way or another after you die.

If you’re bold of heart and feel secure enough in your belief that something about you will remain when your body is gone, take this Yale philosophy class with me and talk to me about it! Get your mind blown! Huzzah!


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This is how we do.

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22. Eyes Clear As Bells



34 train lines serve 468 stations. On a weekday, well over 5,000,000 people ride the 842 miles of track. That adds up to over 1.64 billion rides a year. New York City’s subway system is one of the very largest on the planet Earth. And on one of those days, in one of those stations, you wait for one of those trains.


It is sweltering and humid and the air is still and heavy. Your shirt clings to your back. At the end of the platform, a man is clearly suffering from severe alcohol poisoning, trying to puke but nothing’s coming out. On the bench next to you, a woman is teaching her daughter numbers up to five but the little girl keeps forgetting that 4 comes after 3. The platform is scattered, sometimes crammed, with people of various skin colors, wearing various sorts of clothing, and speaking a vast number of languages. To your right, an old man is playing an African instrument you’ve never seen before. His melodies are birds, chirping and flitting over the dark expanse of tracks in the hot stink of underground.


Other things that belong underground: moles, roots, rats, wells, dead bodies, coal mines, lava, oil, the absence of light and labyrinthine catacombs.


You feel the hot wind come up out of the tunnel, then you hear the squeal and thunder and then you see the headlights of the train. The doors whoosh open and a robot voice says, “Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, Please,” and, “Please Mind the Gap.” The gap is usually only an inch or two wide between the platform and the train but that’s right where your iPhone goes when you drop it.

Seriously! It goes straight through! It’s as if you threw a quarter from across the bar and it went cleanly into the jukebox slot. It’s like a horrible miracle! When the train passes, there’s your phone, down there in the grime of the track, still lit up…

You stand there, looking down at that beautiful, vital instrument of modern life, trying to figure out how long it would take to jump down on the track, grab the phone and hoist yourself back up. Keep in mind, 50 or more people get killed by the subway annually. So the question is this: Do you feel lucky?

Having a somewhat suburban heart, you do the safe thing and tell the station attendant. After 25 reluctant minutes, two subway workers show up and you point to your iPhone down in the abyss. One stands in the tunnel entrance, watching for trains, and the other uses a pair of long suction cup tongs to clamp onto your iPhone and hoist them back to the world of the living. Don’t admit that you were tempted to jump down or you’ll get THE lecture.


“Bro. Bro. You see them red and white stripes on the other wall there? Them’s the blood and the bones. That’s what we call em. When you see them stripes it means the driver can’t stop the train even if he wants to. You’re fuckin’ dead bro. No joke. Aint that right Manny!? Yeah, that’s right. Your ass is just dead. And they don’t make no phone in the world worth that!”

You are shamed. He hands you your phone.

Not two minutes later, a Thai dude drops a half full plastic bottle of Vitamin Water on the tracks, nimbly leaps down, grabs it, and leaps back up like a gazelle. No problem.

Then the train comes. The doors open with a whoosh and the robot voice says, “Stand Clear of the Closing Doors, Please.”

You are now riding with 5,000,000 other people. And it’s not like the freeway. You’re sitting next to EVERYONE. An incredibly well-dressed couple discusses ideas for the cover of Billboard Magazine. An insane homeless man lets chunks of feces fall freely from a pant leg. Kids break-dance for money in the car, doing full flips in the aisle. A mariachi band. A man shouts Bible verses. A cellist playing Bach. A Hassidic Jew leans over the Talmud. A baby is crying. An astonishingly beautiful person looks up at you. Your body is traveling under the East River.


You cup your hands to your face and look out the window into the black depths between stations, those twisting, abandoned veins beneath the city of cities. Sometimes you see graffiti out there and wonder how a human got out into that nowhere to paint their symbols. You see what look like doors down there, archways, lost stations.  Each glimpse is a question.


Somewhere between Brooklyn and Manhattan, you look out into that shadowy ether and see an enormous cavern. There is a long, candle lit table surrounded by people dressed in the fashions of a bygone age. They are raising a toast but to what, God only knows. As you pass in a sudden flash, you see, clear as a bell, one of this number turn in his seat to see you. You can still see his eyes, his eyes shining in the darkness!

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